Thursday, November 13, 2003
Ever have one of those months where you are so stressed out that you feel as though you could burst into tears at any moment?
Well, consider this my month.
Since my trip to California, nothing in my life has been smooth. I have filled my evenings by becoming a full time active member of the Theatre Company. (more work than I could ever explain) My mundane and totally unsatisfying job is slamming me with project after project. I have recently found out that one of my co-workers is leaving us in December and all that does for me is…create more work.
On top of this, I have been struggling with the flu of death. I have had the shits, a fever, a horrible head cold, body aches, and borderline hallucinations. However the hallucinations may be a result of shitting out everything that lives inside my body.
Paul and I are good, but I am having a hard time fitting him into my schedule.
My friends are good, but who has time to make everyone happy?
And as I mentioned previously, I am throwing a Murder Mystery Party. GOSH! Who am I KIDDING?!?!
I think the reason all of this is getting to me today is:
This is the first holiday season that I will spend without my brother. For my entire life, my parents, brother and grandmother have gotten together to celebrate the holidays. This year it will be just my parents, myself, and my grams. I am dreading the whole thing. If possible, I would choose to fast forward right to January. Bypass the whole thing and pretend as though it never happened.
It’s sad really. For us AND for Winfield. He will be sitting in a steaming hot building on Christmas, having dried out SPAM with his fellow soldiers. The whole idea of it is enough to make me start crying, from now until New Years. As strong as I have tried to be with my parents about my brother’s absence, and as strong as I have tried to be for myself, there are days like today when I want to throw in the towel and lock myself in my bedroom for weeks. I just love him so much and I need him right now.
Winfield has missed out on so much of my life and vice versa. He was unable to see my first show in NYC. He will be unable to see my next two shows, at least. There are few phone calls, few letters, and even fewer moments of honesty between us.
“How you holding up out there?”
“Same as always. How you holding up in the city?”
“Fine. Same as always.”
“I miss you.”
“I miss you too.”
And that’s about it.
Aren’t I supposed to be growing up with my brother still? I understand that we are both in our twenties and that it is natural for us to be in different places, doing different things. But it’s been this way since he went away to college. While I stayed within hours from home, Winfield went to school at Wake Forest, in North Carolina. While I graduated and moved to NYC (still within hours from home), Winfield moved to Germany to be in the ARMY.
My brother and I didn’t become close until the summer before I left for college. Since then we have only had summers and school breaks to be together. He tricked me into allowing him into my personal life. He tricked me into trusting and leaning on him. He tricked me because he moved away and did his own thing.
But what about me?
What about us?
What about Christmas?
It’s days like today that make me feel as though there is nothing to look forward to. I am working my ass off every day and yet, at the end of it, I don’t have Winfield here to share it with. I don’t have his friendship. I have a phone call every 5 weeks that results in us making sure the other is “okay”.
Well, I am not “okay”.
I am sad and lonely and understand that it only gets worse from here on in.
Come home already.
God, I don’t know.
It’s just hard…
Well, consider this my month.
Since my trip to California, nothing in my life has been smooth. I have filled my evenings by becoming a full time active member of the Theatre Company. (more work than I could ever explain) My mundane and totally unsatisfying job is slamming me with project after project. I have recently found out that one of my co-workers is leaving us in December and all that does for me is…create more work.
On top of this, I have been struggling with the flu of death. I have had the shits, a fever, a horrible head cold, body aches, and borderline hallucinations. However the hallucinations may be a result of shitting out everything that lives inside my body.
Paul and I are good, but I am having a hard time fitting him into my schedule.
My friends are good, but who has time to make everyone happy?
And as I mentioned previously, I am throwing a Murder Mystery Party. GOSH! Who am I KIDDING?!?!
I think the reason all of this is getting to me today is:
This is the first holiday season that I will spend without my brother. For my entire life, my parents, brother and grandmother have gotten together to celebrate the holidays. This year it will be just my parents, myself, and my grams. I am dreading the whole thing. If possible, I would choose to fast forward right to January. Bypass the whole thing and pretend as though it never happened.
It’s sad really. For us AND for Winfield. He will be sitting in a steaming hot building on Christmas, having dried out SPAM with his fellow soldiers. The whole idea of it is enough to make me start crying, from now until New Years. As strong as I have tried to be with my parents about my brother’s absence, and as strong as I have tried to be for myself, there are days like today when I want to throw in the towel and lock myself in my bedroom for weeks. I just love him so much and I need him right now.
Winfield has missed out on so much of my life and vice versa. He was unable to see my first show in NYC. He will be unable to see my next two shows, at least. There are few phone calls, few letters, and even fewer moments of honesty between us.
“How you holding up out there?”
“Same as always. How you holding up in the city?”
“Fine. Same as always.”
“I miss you.”
“I miss you too.”
And that’s about it.
Aren’t I supposed to be growing up with my brother still? I understand that we are both in our twenties and that it is natural for us to be in different places, doing different things. But it’s been this way since he went away to college. While I stayed within hours from home, Winfield went to school at Wake Forest, in North Carolina. While I graduated and moved to NYC (still within hours from home), Winfield moved to Germany to be in the ARMY.
My brother and I didn’t become close until the summer before I left for college. Since then we have only had summers and school breaks to be together. He tricked me into allowing him into my personal life. He tricked me into trusting and leaning on him. He tricked me because he moved away and did his own thing.
But what about me?
What about us?
What about Christmas?
It’s days like today that make me feel as though there is nothing to look forward to. I am working my ass off every day and yet, at the end of it, I don’t have Winfield here to share it with. I don’t have his friendship. I have a phone call every 5 weeks that results in us making sure the other is “okay”.
Well, I am not “okay”.
I am sad and lonely and understand that it only gets worse from here on in.
Come home already.
God, I don’t know.
It’s just hard…
